PHOTOGRAPHED BY ANJELICA JARDIEL. MAKE-UP GARRET GERVAIS. HAIR CHRISTINE SLOPKO. STYLISTS GARA GAMBUCCI & DOUGLAS VANLANINGHAM FOR AKAI ITO BOUTIQUE.
Christina Aguilera says, “You’re beautiful no matter what they say.” This is a dangerous thing to tell teens, especially since most of the teens I’ve met have never read a book, eat chips all day and dream about getting rich and famous by doing nothing. They are not beautiful yet, it’s going to take some work! I don’t care if Katy Perry says you’re a firework! Fireworks have to work. It’s ultimately a pandering lie and it tricks teens into thinking that they can just lay on their sofas eating Oreos like pale, pock-covered whales and everyone’s just supposed to love them or even worse, that just because they have some physical beauty the entire world should treat them like Cleopatra.
My point is beauty isn’t something you’re born with, it’s something you achieve.
I’ve mowed lawns, delivered newspapers, worked in a grocery store, answered phones in a brothel in Australia (it’s legal there), got abducted by a con artist, dated two gay men (one 30 years older than me and the other one on food stamps). I’ve also been in therapy for two years and I meditate every day. I can tell you the four noble truths of Buddhism. I’ve raised two beautiful Chihuahuas and bought diamonds at Costco. I think I’ve earned the right to grace your pages. And if you don’t agree with me, fuck off.
Q: Did you have a good childhood?
A: Most important thing a comedian needs is a bad childhood.
Q: What would your TED talk be about?
Q: Did you see Mel Gibson’s TED talk?
Q: Describe what Winnie and Kevin’s lives are like now?
A: I see Winnie at auditions.
Q: What’s love got to do with it?
A: $ $ $
Q: What will your fragrance be called?
Q: Who would you rather drink with, Lenny Bruce or George Carlin?
Q: The Saddest thing you’ve ever seen?
A: Ke$ha performing on Good morning America.
Q: Who would win in a fight, Jesus or Allah?
A: Def Allah.
Q: The worst thing you’ve ever done?
A: One time I wrote to my pen pal in Ireland that she was a loser because she didn’t have electricity.
Q: The love of your life?
A: Mayor Cutie.
Q: Hometown & State?
A: Rockford, IL (Most McDonald’s per capita)
Q: The last time that you cried?
A: Recently its been every 45 minutes.
Q: Your favorite drug?
Q: What don’t you what people to know about you?
A: I meditate and I’m 4’11”.