Lust Talk: Sex in Violence

[dropcap]A[/dropcap]s I was getting fingered in the back of the car, by this guy I had met only once before, he began to lightly choke me. A few things came to mind:

1) How did he know that I would be into this?
2) Ok, this feels good!
3) Hmm… What if he really starts choking me? Is this how I die?

There’s a fine, imaginary line in which on one side you have consensual, sexy playfulness, and on the other side, abusive and unwelcomed violence. Sexual encounters are becoming more aggressive and more violent, which inevitably further blurs that line during sex play. There is a salacious desire of using force, humiliation, and submission in sex. It may start with spanking, then turn into lightly slapping, and finally into jamming a panty down one’s throat while being tied up, unable to do anything but moan and lightly dry heave from the lace/mesh of the panty. (Thanks, Jerk! You were supposed to moisten the panties so that wouldn’t happen again.) It can be completely sexually satisfying, and send those endorphins into overdrive. Which, depending how hard you play can be a godsend, as long as both partners are into it and have discussed it! But then there’s insane jealousy that stems from not trusting your partner (rightfully or unrightfully so), where all of a sudden you’re throwing frying pans at them, and really anything else that you can get your hands on.

Nevertheless, light BDSM makes things more interesting in the bedroom– really any room, or car, or fill in the blank. For novices in kink, BDSM can mean several things; Bondage, my favorite and most iconic reference Bettie Page; Discipline, and let me tell you, I had to have lots of discipline as an undergrad constantly hearing ‘party’ everyday of the week, or while saving up for Coachella; Dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

My new friend and I were talking about what roles we each prefer to play. I immediately said both, because I hate being typecast. It’s L.A. nobody likes to be typecast! Just think of Elijah Wood and the rest of his Hobbit friends, who might be forever seen as, well… living in the Shire. Not to mention, in my previous long, boring ass relationship, I always had to make the decisions… for everything! I mean, it was ridiculous, I’d ask things like, “Hey, what should we order in today?”

“Mmm… I dunno,” he’d reply.
“Ok Thai, burgers, Italian?”
“You choose.”
“Wanna give me a hint? Preference? Anything so I can just order the goddamn food?”
“Whatever, you choose.”

Some might call it easy-going, others lazy, or a bad relationship. But for me it was more. I just wanted to throw a frying pan at him, or the computer that he was glued in front of. It was a clear indication that a fine line had been crossed.

Anyhow, I continued to explain to my friend that I just want someone to take the lead. He agreed with me, and mentioned he preferred to be dominant, but could go the other way too. But he had a twist to the general view of being dominant, whereas you can be submissive while being the dominant partner, because whatever your partner’s desires are, you are giving in to them. In his thought, by being dominant (which is what your partner wants) then you are submitting to their desires. Sure this made sense! I didn’t need further explanation, so we went at it like bunnies. Like bunnies with masks, and collars, and silk rope and lots of lube; you’ll never see bunnies in the same light again.

BDSM, which I can honestly separate into categories, and possibly talk about all day, should never be construed as abusive. Any act of violence involved has limitations that must be discussed and agreed on by both, or all, partners. And when I feel sad or angry when certain guys don’t text back, and feel as though I’m at their mercy, but then suddenly get pleasure when they do text or call, I think I prefer to say I’m a masochist and want to be kinky instead.

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