A How To Guide: How To Get Elected Into Political Office in the USA

No matter what side of the political bukakke party that you’re on, we can all agree on the lack of quality candidates to choose from.  Smart people go into finance, or start social networks or software companies; they don’t run for fucking office. Maybe it’s always been this way, I’m not sure. Maybe in America’s formative years, she demanded a higher pedigree of folks to cum inside her oval office and two houses. Today, politics in this country are like a production of some chick trying to break the record for the biggest gangbang.

Picture a line of sweaty men down the block, playing with themselves, trying to get some blood flow to their limp cocks, so they can get their shot at fucking the American people. Politicians are like actors in a sloppy, low budget gangbang. Our poor little country’s in the middle of this mess, filled with half-hard penises of men who don’t know her name. She’s gagging, trying to catch her breath, looking at the camera and pretending that she’s enjoying it. It’s not PG shit my friends… So the point is that it doesn’t take much to get elected for political office in America. Standards are low, you don’t do shit, and the pay isn’t bad. And if you can get in bed with the lobbyists, then we’re talking about dope money numbers. It’s a good hustle and here’s how to do it. 

1)  Pick a party. There’s a whole fucking two to choose from, it’s not hard.

2)  People think God is America’s biggest fan. I don’t know if God has ever even been to America, but who cares. Go there. Any good baby-kisser knows the value of that God word. 

3)  Study WWE and even UFC. We live in what I call, “The World Wrestling Federation Culture.” Create enemies and villains. Good politicians know how to get large crowds of white trash to chant USA and hold up signs that say stupid things. A good politician is like a good wrestler. 

4)  Target that first time voter. Play on that un-raped idealism. A good campaign is emotional pornography. Find key words like hope and change, and bang them dry. 

5)  Fear. This is the filet mignon of the campaign cow. USE IT. Your constituents are scared, and you can fuck a nun if you work the fear angle. 

6)  The American Family. Talk about preserving the American family. Beat this dead fucking horse bloody. The American family, standing naked in front of us with all its purity, values and virtues… While we’re on the family topic, is there a reason why the suicide rates sky rocket around the holidays? Oh, and one in four U.S. marriages end in divorce. We have the highest divorce rate in the world. Don’t mention that to your voters though. 

7)  Kids. People love when you talk about their kids. Talk about the children, educating them, feeding them, whatever. The children. It’s just one of those catch phrases that any good office seeker has in their arsenal. 

8)  Speaking of catch phrases, my favorite is “middle class.” Constantly express your concern for preserving and saving the middle class. Even when you’re at a loss for words just say “middle class.” Throw the word “jobs” into that shit and you’re getting some groupie head after the show. 

You have what it takes. Now go get in line for that group coitus party!

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