This is a REAL conversation as a result of a FAKE ad we posted on Craigslist.
Scott: Curious to find out how many writers with experience have applied to your quirky ad on Craigslist. Being a professional writer with a long list of projects under my belt, makes me curious about such things.
Me: Hi Scott,
Sorry for my premature deposit of life worms. I have been out of the country on a spiritual journey. I went hunting endangered game in The Congo. If you ever have the chance, you must participate in such a thrill. It really went to town on the G spot of my soul. Are you free for a power brunch this week? I’m eager to tell you about myself.
Depending on where you would like to meet depends on my availability, as I’ll be in LA tomorrow morning and early afternoon doing some location scouting with my director and DP, then meetings later in the evening regarding a few other projects. There will be a few hours free later in the afternoon and early evening, or much later in the evening.
I’ll be staying on my boat that night and Friday I’ll be in Long Beach and Redondo for a couple of meetings in the morning and early afternoon. After that, I’ll be available to meet anywhere in Orange County. Saturday I have a meeting with a producer, but the time hasn’t been locked in yet and Sunday is still open. Let me know your thoughts, location and times that work for you.
Me: That’s entirely too much information and you lost me in the fonts of your busy alternative lifestyle. So what day are you free? Sunday? We can do a power brunch and I can talk about myself.
Scott: Hello, Sunday is fine. Where and what time? DP stands for Director of Photography in this particular case and not one of the other colorful meanings.
Me: What do you mean DP for colorful meanings? Wait.. I’m not looking for companionship or a fling. I need someone who can finger bang the keyboard until we have film festival—girl sperm all over our paws. Awards!
I’m thinking Leonardo DiCaprio, the kid from Home Alone, could play me in the first two films of the trilogy.
Scott: Hello, I’m fully aware your looking for a writer, hence the original message. We have narrowed when we are meeting down to Sunday, but the time and location still needs to be set.
Me: Good morning Scott,
I was watching the Olympics and what a waste of god’s ejaculate. These people train their whole lives to get 15 minutes of fame in between a massive advertising porno. It makes me want to put a hot hanger in my eyes. Anyway, that’s a conversation for another day. I got scuddle thumped last night. I’m thinking Leonardo DiCaprio, the kid from Home Alone, could play me in the first two films of the trilogy. Do you want to experiment over brunch on Sunday? What part of the city are you in?
Scott: I live in OC and go to LA as needed, such as today. What is the compensation on this project? I don’t want to waste my time, or yours if it is not reasonable for both of us. Baseline, if you are who you claim then with all the crap you have dealt with then you need someone that understands the emotions. Dynamics of life I do understand, otherwise I don’t waste those I write fors time. Stop wasting yours and my time. Dictate the terms and I will show you what writing means… even if it is only in your mind.
Me: I will pay you better than owning a web cam business. I always tell my grandson that the only decent jobs left in America are selling drugs and having your own webcam business. I will pay you well. What do you think about putting vampires and ware wolves into the script? This culture loves that sort of gape mildew. Did you hear about what the president of Chick-fil-A did to all those boys in the shower? My neighbor was verbally defecating about it yesterday. Once you get old your hearing dies of bullshit AIDS after years of meaningless conversations. Speaking to people becomes a mouth moving while simultaneously ejaculating incoherent sounds…
Scott: That is a starting point. Lets stop wasting time and have some fun.
Me: Thank you Scott. I’ve been through three and a half wives (one had the soul of a leech; hence the half) and none of them understood the depth of my emotional ocean. Out of all the hack scribes that have tried to sell me their dick ditch, you seem the most capable of dealing with this truly epic story. How does this work? Do you come over and get behind me for a rough treatment? Or do we do an outline? Do I just tell you about all the amazing, prolific and brilliant things that I’ve done over a series of drink the slop bucket meetings. Please tell me your preferred position… Are you at a party right now?
Scott: First of all a subtle line is this. Baseline… your story requires a bottle and some serious therapy, and that would be the basic baseline. Here in lies the issue, we can talk and jest, but what it comes down to is you and I meeting face to face and realizing that you can trust me, or you understanding I have done much worse in my own life than you to reveal what you really want to talk about. And at this point you invite me over for a decent bottle of rum or really good vodka and a real meal. Not some snarky snack. You want your story told and I am the bastard to tell it. Let’s stop playing the banter and get to the game.
I’m scary good at what I do, and you realize this, otherwise wouldn’t be wasting yours and my time. As to the baseline, due to the emotional depth that we need to delve, I would recommend a bite and a bottle. If you want to truly go there that is.
Me: Doogie Howser! I can picture you at your computer all pecker-wood proper. Did Vinnie climb through the window yet? It’s 4:00 AM, I’m impressed. Are you on cocaine or bath tub meth? You were definitely at a party, don’t lie anymore. Please tell me that you got your Harry Potter wet. I’m confused on your baseline comments. Is that some sort of public humiliation fetish? I got out of that scene in ’70s.
Are you reading a good novel right now? That was a joke… Nobody reads anymore. And if they do they start to struggle after a 140 characters. People read more about celebrity gossip than they do politics. How’s that for an episode of Who’s Got The Deepest Throat?
Yes, I think a bottle and a meal is where we can really start to experiment. I want to trust you… Badly.
If I were your age I would market my penis as organic, organic sells anything in this debauched marketing circle-jerk that we live in.
Scott: Threw a party on my boat last night. Had a couple dozen people over. Which works well since I have insomnia, as well as being a night owl. And when I email from my phone it auto corrects inaccurately. Very bothersome at times. (Looking back over the email) What time and where would you like to meet on Sunday?
Me: Look at you on the boat, Anton Kutcher butt! Please tell me that you had a threesome on the boat. If I were your age I would market my penis as organic, organic sells anything in this debauched marketing circle-jerk that we live in. That will definitely increase the chances of placing your little shiitake into a fun skin bun. Go young and find a mouth breather… But a boat wow – Yes, your writing in that last email was stink penis hideous. I hate cell phones, I bet everybody on the boat was playing on their cell phones all night anyway. That’s the party scene these days.
Meet at 1 on Sunday? You a vegan?
Scott: No, I can’t say I’m a Vegan, but can honestly say I would never become one either. I do enjoy all types of good food. Sunday at 1 is fine.
Where would you like to meet?
Me: I think that you have really low self esteem. Would you model for me when we are writing? I want to draw you. You seem very androgynous. Our climax is going to be epic. Let’s make sure the second act is solid… Meet at Joe and Jerry’s shower diner?
I will dangle my life-maker in front of your face, balance it on your nose and bounce it off your forehead to the beat of a Phil Collins song.
Scott: No, I can’t say I have low self-esteem, by any means. I don’t act or model any more. Did it for too long and got rather burnt out on it. Never was that good either. Enjoyed being on stage, but haven’t done that in several years. What is the address or at least the cross streets and city for the diner?
Me: Let me be the judge of that. I will dangle my life-maker in front of your face, balance it on your nose and bounce it off your forehead to the beat of a Phil Collins song. I want to help build you into a fully functioning receiver. You have really good energy. Maybe we can start acting together, you can play me in the last part of the trilogy. Would you mind sending a cellphone self portrait or a link to your MySpace Page? My wife and Mother really want to see what you look like.
Scott: First, my boat doesn’t float that direction. My taste runs to T&A only. Second, as I stated before, I’m not interested in acting any more. If I was I could have been in Lincoln Lawyer, as I was asked. I now write and produce. I don’t do MySpace, or Facebook, or other social networks, unless it is for business. I actually have a life, family, pets, friends and such to do things with, let alone the insanity I enjoy on my own. My headshot would be on my other computer. I’ll get you one later. So, back to the topic of business… What is the address of the diner and your phone #, in case one of is running late?
Me: Oh very cool, you’re a little fetish fish (T&A). I could totally picture you in The Lincoln Lawyer, cheek pressed firmly against Matthew’s tan chest. I prefer Charlize Theron personally, I would go down on her even if she hadn’t showered in months. She is the closest thing to an angel on this planetary anus. I can’t wait to see your headshot. I’m going to print them out and hang them all over my house. I feel like you won’t stop when I say no. You’re starting to become abusive.
Scott: Hello Bill, No, I’m not into fetishes. T&A is not a fetish it is a common designation of an attraction to women, as in tits & ass. As to the rest of your message, I don’t see what any of it has to do with writing these projects for you and by no means have I been abusive. I would actually use the term tolerant. I’m a professional writer and work with all sorts of people, as that is simply part of the business, but I think at this point you need to tell me what you are willing to pay to have them written, so that we can either move forward or simply part ways. This amount needs to be based on per manuscript, or by the hour, plus expenses in either case. The choice is yours. You will not find a better writer, but I don’t like to waste my time, nor do I like to waste other people’s time. So, with that said, we need to focus on the point of business, which is to tell your story.
Me: You little dog tongue. Tits and ass, no wonder you end up banging your baby oil soaked hand at the end of the day. You sum up a woman in tits and ass. Shame on you with a mouth full of boy goo. Have you ever seen that Full House episode where Uncle Jessie calls Kimmy a manipulative little bitch? You will learn a lot about why being a misogynist will not increase your chances of having a female enjoy your little muppet dong. I think we would make great pets but I feel like we need some space. Perhaps we should just be friends. It’s not me it’s you.
Scott: Don’t bother wasting any more of my time.
Me: YOU AIN’T ABOUT THIS LIFE.