Dear Amelia, I Would Love to Go Hiking Sometime

Dear Amelia,

I would love to go hiking with you. The problem is, I hate nature. To me the birds and the trees and the exhaustion of the sun cooking my skin until it’s the pinkish color of a bulldogs underbelly is far more disenchanting than the psychological nature of my being. I’m 20lbs over weight and I hate to break it to you but as my age increases so do the pounds.

I feel disconnected with the whole idea of hiking and consider it to be burden even having to imagine the hassle, let alone consider it an activity of entertainment that I would subject myself to.

I’m absolutely into sitting down. I prefer to be stagnant most of the day. If you would like to join me on the couch I also call a bed, we can sit. Sometimes I spend hours mulling over that one time in 9TH grade when I tripped in the hallway. I landed face first into the water fountain, rupturing a vein in my nose, the bleeding went on for almost an hour and the popular kids laughed at me.

I remember Susan Young. She was a brunette, beautiful and sexually active at a very young age, everyone loved her. She saw me fall and bleed. She laughed, I remember her pointing and giggling to the girl next to her who was her friend but not pretty enough for me to remember her name. That hurt.

I would rather re-live that terrible, painful day from my youth than have to walk up-hill through some trendy canyon, sweating and panting while trying to hold a conversation with you and your buddy Steve, who takes you on hikes every weekend. Yes, Steve is a seasoned hiker, I already checked him out on Facebook.

Sincerely,

Leonard Charmichael

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