Is the giant upright primate fact or fiction? This debate has carried on for hundreds of years with neither side gaining ground. Believers show regular proof of the hairy bastard’s existence, only to be invalidated on technicalities. The naysayers simply utter, “Show me the video evidence.” The truth is, any species that’s been on this Earth longer than a day knows to stay the fuck away from us humans. If you don’t, you’ll wind up as food, a caged attraction, or some basketball wife’s winter coat. Furthermore, a species supposedly responsible to be the missing link between apes and man is probably smarter than most of the rednecks on vacation searching for them.
5. Lush Greenery
The Pacific Northwest (where most of the sightings have taken place) is home to some of the most healthy and gorgeous vegetation in the world. Soil studies have shown that it comes from a distinct type of fertilizer comprised of a unique blend of worm castings, fresh rain, and Sasquatch shit.
4. Missing People
We’re talking hundreds of avid woodsmen with compasses and topographical maps. The only explanation is a colony of man and beast living in harmony off Mother Nature’s bountiful bosom.
3. Forest Fires
How do fires start in such moist and lush vegetation? Because Smokey the bear can’t do shit about the amount of friction caused by two full grown Sasquatches getting their freak on.
2. Good Hair
There are not enough little girls in India to keep supplying America’s need for natural hair pieces. It is for this reason that companies have been setting up secret weave factories in the most densely populated forests around the globe. The original spelling for Yaki was Yeti, think about it.
1. Albino Muskrats
The once thriving albino muskrat population in the Pacific Northwest has been decimated. How could a three hundred pound mammal survive on tiny white rodents? They couldn’t, but the muskrats are the perfect size and absorbency to be made into Mamma Sasquatch’s Tampons.
Conclusion? Sasquatches do exist. You know as well as they do that as soon as there’s “irrefutable video evidence” it won’t be all Harry and The Hendersons. No sir, more like, Harry and the we-goin’-put-yer-ass-in-a-cage-and-make-a-shit-ton-of-money-off-yer-pain-and-sufferin’-you-big-summama-bitch! So keep hiding out Harry, PETA’s already got enough on their plate.