Dear James Carter IV,
I do not know really where to start; as I am overwhelmed with gratitude in a way I have yet to experience. I could start this as I start all my speeches, telling Malia and Natasha it is time to go to bed, but that hardly feels appropriate, nor funny. And it isn’t time for jokes. It is time for thanks. So, James, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
I still cannot get over it. I, of course, am playing it cool and being gracious in the media, but my oh my this is a doozie. Who dismisses half the nation mere months before the election? Two words…Mitt and Romney, that’s who. And not a soul would know it if it wasn’t your voracious zest for taking down the Republic Party, and specifically the man who has insulted your grandfather on multiple occasions, mocking his record of foreign affairs and small business policy. You know whose mocking and laughing now James, everybody that is looking to re-up on four more years of hope!
It’s really something. I mean, who fashions themselves a “Democratic Opposition Researcher”? You do!
Who plugs in the keywords “Romney” and “Republicans” every couple of days into YouTube searches looking for some dirt? You do!
Who has a relationship with the Mother Jones reporter David Corn to help aid you in blowing this whole thing up? You do!
And lastly, who stumbled upon that video on the YouTube channel “Anne Onymous” that, frankly, just won me the election. You did!!!! And thank all that is good.
I must admit that I didn’t even think Robin was possible of such loose-lipped revelry at one of his tea-party key parties. Oh wait, I should explain. You see, we down here at 1600 Penn have begun to call Paul Ryan Robin and Mitt is, of course, Batman. We get a laugh out of that one; I can’t begin to tell you. We are not, and I guess you may have figured this, speaking of the new modern, hip Batman. Oh no, we are referring to the old Adam West adaptation. We get such a kick out of picturing those two dressed up in those old retro costumes! You can see it….right? I’m sorry, I digress, but that joke just kills us.
Look. We know it isn’t over-over. I still have some work to do. But what you have done is arm me with enough ammo to blow Mitt’s hopes and dreams of stifling the middle class right out of the sky. I plan on going into those debates and ripping that polygamist a brand new asshole, or at the very least extending my arm up the one he has now and removing that gargantuan stick he keeps up there. Oh, yeah….I am going to go to work on that hater. And you truly couldn’t have made things easier.
Now I know I have said a few things here in this letter that probably wouldn’t serve me well in the media’s hands. Who cares. In fact, go ahead and leak this bad boy yourself if you like, makes no difference to me at all. Nothing can top what we saw in that video. Nothing. And that is all thanks to your efforts.
James, what you did is extraordinary. The remarkably brave soul who shot the video still hasn’t come forward as of yet so all praises will be showered upon you, and I HOPE you are okay with this. It is almost unimaginable to think that an election can be won, or lost in Mitt’s case – am I right!!??, because of a YouTube video, but that is the age we live in. And we will continue to move FORWARD.
I thank you James, and our nation thanks you. And, most importantly, I know how proud your grandfather is of you this very day. You have done your country a great service and may God bless you.