Don’t Worry, None of Us Are Good At It

[dropcap]S[/dropcap]ome people are good at life. The other ninety percent lack the necessary skills to succeed in this mind fuck. They stumble through it like GITMO detainees that played the waterboarding game one too many times. Let’s be honest here; most of us aren’t good at life. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m horrible at it. I have no idea what I’m doing. My parents are bad at it; their parents were bad at it, and so on. This is the massive penis of truth and sometimes we have to sit on it.

Think about it. There are whole entire continents filled with people that are really bad at life. People think that Americans are good at living, but in reality we just have a small percentage of people that are really good at life and we can tax them enough to where the poor performers look mediocre. About one percent of the population is good at life in America, the beautiful.

The problem is that I’m always using the wrong people to gauge how I’m doing at existing. I’ll compare Mark Zuckerberg’s Wiki page to my pathetic resume that never leads to any sort of respectable career leads. I have a friend that life really loves. She’s been blowing him since birth with good looks and rich parents. He’s really good at life. He wakes up at 6:00 AM everyday to work out and then he reads the Wall Street Journal while drinking a really health-forward smoothie. I have trouble waking up before noon and the depth of my reading is the stream of self-celebratory tweets from the porn stars that I follow on Twitter.

Women have stopped my friend on the street and asked for his number. A solid half of my sexual experiences were purchased. He makes (no exaggeration) hundreds of thousands of dollars a year while walking through each day with a confident swagger that violently shouts victory. I deal with overdraft fees on a regular basis and the majority of my days leave me looking like I’ve suffered from years of sexual abuse at the genitals of my uncle.

Decisions are a big part of navigating the way through the life maze. For most of the participants, existence is a vicious cycle of bad decisions. I have always been good at making the wrong ones whether it’s my choice of food or using a condom. The world is filled with people that lack the ability to make decent decisions, hence the smut that occupies the television and newspapers.

Life is like drugs. Some people are amazing at doing drugs. They were born with the talent. They can make a lot of money, have families and go on week-long coke binges without breaking a sweat. But for the majority of drug users their participation usually leads to 12 steps, jail and half-way house vacations.

So what’s the solution? I’m not sure. If I knew I wouldn’t be writing this. I’m waiting on the Gods at the pharmaceutical companies to figure it all out.

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