Election 2012: The Best Sex Giver Wins

Michelle and Ann,

How are you? I bet things are hectic in your lives right now. Both your husbands are face fucking each other with smear campaigns and all those sweet make-the-other-guy-look-like-he-pulled-his-penis-out-at-the-Girl-Scout-party American political campaign tactics. Neither of these boys will save America, ladies—we all know that. I look at it like this: America is like a tranny in the morning: There’s no hiding it anymore; the party’s over; the carefully tucked penis has crawled forward and the sun is smiling bright. So I refuse to vote for either of these men based on what they’re trying to sell us. I mean, with all due respect, they’re both politicians; it’s in their job description to be the shining happy face that takes our hand and leads us down the dark alley to repeated rape, sans courtesy reach around.

Here’s my solution: Since nothing is really going to change no matter who’s elected, let’s cast our votes solely based on who is the best lover. Who throws the baby-maker better? Who is better at Dining at the Y: ol’ mouth breather Mitt or muppet head Barack? I truly believe that a man’s performance in the bedroom is parallel to his ability to run a nation. If America is a woman, then we better make damn sure she’s getting a quality dick down.

Ann; Michelle: You are both sexy in your own ways. Ann, you have this very closet freak-librarian-porn-blond thing going on. The MILF craze is at its peak and I’m fucking with it. I’m assuming that Mitt is the only dude you’ve been with, correct? That, or you’re going to hell. Kidding—the book of Mormons! I mean, Ann, you met Mitt at a school dance; did you get anything else inside those god-built guts before that? Do you have anything to compare the Mitt dick with? Doubt it. Michelle, you’re sexy, classy, smart—I bet you look great naked. My gut is telling me that you’ve been with a few more guys than just Barack. Not saying that’s a bad thing, or that you’re promiscuous or anything. But I feel like you’ve had a few hacks up in that before B’s turn, and you know the value of a good man.

Ladies, let me say this for the record. I know that both of your husbands are decent men. The media in “the greatest country in the world” are performing facials on your men as we speak. Neither of them are evil or wicked. We have to do this to make it entertaining for the highly intellectual and sophisticated masses of this great republic. I look at it like selling records. Think about Biggie and Pac—that whole beef was designed to sell a few records (but, admittedly ultimately taken a little too far). I mean Barack and Mitt aren’t as cool as Pac and Biggie but you get my point. Don’t take it personal, it’s all a marketing scheme like anything else in the home of the brave.

Michelle: Barack probably kills it in the bedroom. I don’t think he’s Dirk Diggler-hung but he’s probably packing porno mediocre, which is way above average in real life. I bet he’s aggressive, throws you on the bed, turns you around, maybe a little anal after one too many beers with the campaign interns, etc. He was down to play with some of the imagery you read in Fifty Shades of Grey. I can see him talking some shit and getting a little dirty when he’s hammering away, but I imagine strong women, such as yourself, like that in a lover. He probably only goes down on you when you’ve been mad at him for a week, but all in all he knows what he’s doing down there. He knows your body and he’s concerned with the sex being good without it seeming like he’s second guessing his performance. I mean, I’m mentally putting myself in The White House bedroom right now and I picture Barack beating it up like our Commander and Chief should be. Hats off. No, really, the President never wears a condom.

Ann: Ann! White people awkward. I can’t imagine the slightest physical connection between you two. Mitt certainly isn’t one of those smooth white dudes you saw dancing on Soul Train. He’s the antithesis of smooth. That’s not a bad thing necessarily—I mean, he’s still right, amirite?—but I don’t think that he’s learned to really absorb you yet. You’re unsatisfied. These powerful business boys tend to have some serious fetishes, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s paying some mistress to trample on his Macaulay Caulkin with heels on. You never know, it’s in his blood to be on some Big Love shit, so just keep an eye out. I don’t feel like Mitt’s a champ on the mattress. I sense an early cummer. Be honest, does he let the child chowder go too early? Ann, it’s fine, you’re not alone; ninety percent of men alive are horrible at sexual intercourse. It’s interesting, all men think about is fucking and they’re terrible at it. I bet he’s missionary Mitt every time he penetrates; get on top of him, change it up and watch some porn for inspiration. It’s 2012: Embrace technology! The whole point of the internet is to watch porn.

So based on my who-can-bang-better qualification, America has to go with Obama in this November’s national pharyngeal reflex test. Yes we can. Remember that, Michelle.

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