iPhone 5 Cases & My Unlimited Data Conspiracy Theory

I’ve been faced with a dilemma; I want an iPhone 5, but I am a conspiracist and I’m afraid that when I succumb to my well deserved iPhone upgrade, my grandfathered unlimited data-plan will be taken from me by the tyrants we call cellphone providers. As I was reading an article on my shattered iPhone 4, “How to Buy an iPhone 5 Without Losing Your Unlimited Data Plan,” I decided it was time. I couldn’t bear the thought of spending another week with the webbed glass that I have grown so accustomed to.

My mind was made up, I began to loathe my shattered phone and as the loyal consumer I’ve been to the cell phone company I despise so much, I felt entitled to the upgrade.

I have gone through a dozen iPhones since their dawning. I tend to think I’m too cool for a phone-case until my phone shatters, (I also think I’m too cool for a penis-case until my counterpart gets pregnant… but that’s another story). Once my phone shatters, which it always does, I then surrender to the all mighty case-manufacturing powers that be, and buy the most “advanced” case I can find. By advanced I mean they use fancy lingo in order to sell me on the fact that it will protect my phone better than anyone else’s case. “Not this time!” I said to myself, and I immediately began to shop for cases.

Currently, my shattered iPhone is incased by an Incipio Stowaway case. Being that I hate to carry anything in my pockets, it’s quite perfect. And since I have low self-esteem, it doesn’t hurt that almost every time I open the case to pull out my credit card someone tells me that it’s the coolest case they’ve ever seen. I’m a sucker for compliments. Wanting a newer version of the Stowaway, I went onto Incipio’s website to go case shopping for the iPhone I am yet to order and already nervous about breaking. I didn’t find the iPhone 5 Stowaway Case I was looking for, but instead came across something called Plextonium™. I asked myself, “what the fuck is Plextonium?” I figured it was best to let my assumption that it was some sort of radioactive mixture of Plexiglas and Plutonium hold true in my mind—and I was sold.

I ordered the one with a kickstand, primarily so when I’m attempting to stream movies on an airplane with their 56k dialup internet connection, that never actually works, I won’t have to prop the phone against my tiny cup of ginger ale. All in all I’d say that’s a win-win. Only problem, is the fact that I still haven’t ordered a new iPhone. But getting back to my point which has been drastically lost. Although it is tempting to order your new phone that I believe was supposed to ship today (???), apparently it’s best to wait until they’re in stores if you currently have an unlimited data plan. Otherwise there is a good chance that you will lose that, and with the 4G LTE network, you’ll need it more than ever before.

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