This week’s Word up With Wehle is brought to you by Godzilla, The Truth, and that disgusting smell of food lodged between your teeth. Like a Vegan buffet there’s something here for everyone, so long as you keep an open mind and enjoy leafy greens.
1. Is it true that all the hot girls on online dating sites are either crazy or really dudes?
No, that is in fact not true. What is true is that 80% of hot girls on dating sites are pretty good looking girls posting choice shots of themselves. The remaining 20% is divided into imposters and actual hot girls. That means you’re probably looking at a one in ten chance of actually meeting that Scarlett Johansson look-alike. In other words, get ready to waste $60 on a chick that looks much more like David Johansson.
With online dating in general it’s important to remember that you are, at best, getting a very manicured slant of the actual person. Their height +/- 4 inches easily. Their figure +/- 27lbs. And ladies, don’t even think for a moment MagnumX2012 has a full head of hair until you’ve physically tried to yank it off yourself and color matched it with his pubes.
But don’t let me scare you off entirely. Hot chicks on dating sites do exist – they just need to be verified. Authenticated. That’s why god invented Google. So you can cross-reference a motherfucker. After a little due diligence you’ll be able to arrive at some consensus and readily shoot out sweet email like:
Hey, Tiffany. Before we go out I have one quick question:
If you’re so hot, how do you explain this picture of you at horse camp in 2007?
And another thing:
If your second profile pic is actually you vacationing in Hawaii in 2009, then why do you not have that same belly tattoo in this pic I found on your old MySpace account from 2010?
And most importantly, why were you still on Myspace in 2010?
2. I’m a Democrat and I just started dating a Republican. He’s a great guy, but really a Republican? I just don’t know if I can do it.
An incredibly timely question as the biggest election of our lifetime (the Mayoral contest in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska) is soon approaching. While it’s easy to side step the substance of your question and say, relax, sister, politics are just politics. What does that have to do with love making and choosing tonight’s Netflix? I can’t pretend it’s that inconsequential. Why? Because today’s D’s and R’s are light years away on so many issues. And thus, it’s not easy to side step a person’s values. Their beliefs. Their relationship (or sense of responsibility) with their world, country, city, family and ultimately YOU. How can two people make love over the long haul if they don’t agree on healthcare policy, women’s reproductive rights, military spending, gay marriage, comprehensive tax reform, banning the word Rand Paul from the American lexicon? You see unlike loving the Dodgers or hating the Steelers, identifying with a political party – i.e. their key platforms — carries some weight. Should you guys break up no later than Halloween? No, but it might be a long and tumultuous road as your joint life path unfolds.
That said, I assume most people affiliate with the party their parents voted for. Do we innately believe in Democratic values or Republican values? Or are they passed on to us like skin color, back-zits and shitty teeth?
I mean, let’s face it. If his mom was pulling Bush’s lever in ’88, then his older brother was probably pulling W’s in ’04 and thus he’s fixing for a Romney win in November. See what makes him think what he does. And while you’re at it, question yourself. Don’t jump on a bandwagon until you know what tunes playing.
3. It’s been 7 months since I found out that my friend’s BF cheated on her…is it too late to tell her?
On one hand, it should never be too late to ruin someone else’s relationship. On the other hand, maybe there is a statute of limitations when it comes to opening up and sharing a can of festering shit with your best mate. They key is not me telling you unequivocally, yes, spill the beans, or, absolutely no, bury that shit. But rather, let’s contextualize all this. I will ask you a series of questions that should help you arrive at the right decision.
(Spoiler Alert: the correct decision is probably, “yeah dude, tell her.” Don’t believe me? Fine, take it from various Whodini lyrics http://youtu.be/Vxni-FM-UVA)
- How did you find this info out?
- Is it 100% accurate?
- Cheated like fucked, or cheated like casually flirted at a Bar Mitzvah cocktail hour?
- Does he know that you know?
- Who else knows?
- Has your friend ever suspected he cheats?
- How long have they been together?
- How’s the quality of their relationship now?
- If it were reversed, would you want to know at all costs?
- Do you believe she would want to know at all costs?
- Could you live with yourself if she found out another way and knew you knew all along?
- Do you think he will cheat again?
- Why the hell have you waited over 200 days, anyway?
Fuck. This is intense. I feel like I just wrote the story arc of Dallas in 1978.
Don’t be a stranger, submit your strange questions below or on that smoking hot banner to my right. Who knows? Next week I could be addressing your very own burning gonorrhea question…